40 by Jason Upton

I will not fear as I wait for the dawn
If you'll keep on holding my hand
Though I'm crying out from the depths of my soul
With words I just can't understand
You have set my feet upon a rock that's not moving
You have placed a song of hope in my heart and
I'm singing, I'm praying

Lord, do not hold back your loving kindness
Lord, do not hold back your mercy
You are the way and the truth that guides us
Everyday you are the one who preserves me

God the great artist designed you and me
With His will and purpose in mind
But I keep on striving and trying to be
Someone I've made with my pride
Now the fires of hell burn hot and try to destroy me
But I run to your will Oh God
I know you'll restore me, and reform me

My songs

As stated before I draw so much strength and hope from songs, so I decided that I would share my list of go-to songs when times are rough.

In no particular order:
If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens
I Am by Jill Phillips
Last Time by Jill Phillips
Little Steps by Jill Phillips
Falling Into God by Jill Phillips
Tell Me Again by Jill Phillips
Arise and Be Comforted by Watermark
Silence of God by Andrew Peterson
Who Am I by Casting Crowns
Take My Life by Passion Worship Band
Believe by Heidi Stelzner (Hinrichs)
Saddest Sound by Heidi Stelzner (Hinrichs)
Someday by Heidi Stelzner (Hinrichs)
He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz
Facedown by Matt Redman
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban

I know there are many more, but those are currently on my playlist.

Hopeful

After the last post, I have got to post something a little more uplifting...geez!

So, I have decided to go on a little Facebook fast. I will not be facebooking until Friday, which means I fasted today and will fast tomorrow (Wed. and Thurs). While in the shower this morning I felt like the Lord was beckoning me into His presence and that I should use the time I would be on Facebook to be with Him, in His word and at His feet. So, I obeyed and today was such a fruitful day for me...despite it starting off rough (see last post). After class I decided that I would go to the World Prayer Center for an hour and just read Scripture, pray, and listen to music. If you know me well, I LOVE music and I love to just sit and pray through worship songs! I was also able to catch up with a friend who does not live in CO (sadly). It is so awesome to feel so close to and encouraged by someone who is so far away! I hung up feeling very hopeful! Also, because of my facebook fast, a friend that I would normally chat with on facebook instead met me at the World Prayer Center. There is nothing better than to have face-to-face conversations with people...chatting in cyberspace just doesn't cut it! This convo was very enriching and encouraging to me as I heard more of her journey through hell and back. So, basically, my hour at the WPC turned into four hours and I left feeling so hopeful. Not only was I able to draw hope and strength from Scripture and through worship music, but God was able to pour life into my broken spirit through my two friends. I am so thankful that I have such an awesome group of friends that God can use to keep my head above water during this time! I pray that He continues to use them as instruments!

Lesson learned today: reading Scripture, praying, and being in the presence of the Lord + amazing friends = hope and strength!

Time for my own words...

Moment by moment I struggle—struggle to keep moving, keep fighting. So, every morning I force myself to get out of bed and face the world, the devil, and my friends. It’s not easy though—I’m embarrassed, I’m ashamed. But, I continue to fight because I know giving up is not an option. So, once again I dragged myself out of bed this morning, took a shower, and put on “real” clothes. Tears came and went but I kept moving. I have a life to live. I have to get to class, have to study, have to keep persevering. I got into my car and drove—drove to Littleton but wanted to keep driving, keep driving further and further away. Away from what? I mean no matter where I go I still must face myself, my past, my struggles, and the pain that follows me around. So, what can I do, where can I go? Where can I find hope?

Dear God...

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Love, Lindsey
(Thanks Hannah for playing this for me and sending it to my phone...you are the best!)

On Perseverance

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. For the breath of the ruthless is like a storm driving against a wall because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
--Isaiah 40:28-29; Isaiah 41:10; Isaiah 25:4; James 1:3-4; Hebrews 10:35-36

Spiritual Warfare

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm, therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the world of God."
Ephesians 6:10-17

Dear Lindsey...

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future, same today

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love
That is deep and high and wide

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest

Love, God

-This one makes me cry.

The truth...

Okay, I must apologize for all the song lyrics instead of my own words. Basically, I have so much to say but choose not to say it on here so I find songs to show you my heart. So...here is yet another!

The comfort is gone
I don’t know where I belong
You’re moving me on
I want to be
The one who falls down to her knees
And follows your lead
I’m fighting fear
I need someone who can hear

Save me from loneliness
There is no one who will walk with me now
So walk with me now
I’m so far from home
I know the narrow road
Is what you promised those following you
And seeking the truth
So tell me again I’m not alone

I don’t doubt your plan
I only doubt my will to stand
I’m holding your hand
Cause I’m fighting the flow
And no one believes that I chose
This way to go
It gets so hard
Face to face with the doubt in my heart
--Jill Phillips

Help me believe You!

Little light in the night
Oh my faith has been burning but the oil's run dry
Never thought this could test me so

Is my heart only able to praise when life is going my way
Oh all I can do is believe You

Believe You're loving me still
Believe this heart You can fill
Believe You're the Healer of all of my pain
Help me believe you

Is it worthless to try to find clarity in the midst of my life
Never felt so unwise before
Here i sit in the in-between
When a reason is hard to see
Oh all I can do is believe You

Believe You're loving me still
Believe this heart You can fill
Believe You're the Healer of all of my pain

I wanna run to the rock that is higher
I wanna know it'll be alright
I'll swim for the shore I don't yet have a name for
If you lead me there
If you lead me there
I wanna believe that You're there

And believe You're loving me still
Believe this heart you can fill
Believe You're Healer of all my pain

Believe this wait is worth while
Believe You're holding me now
Believe there is more in my story to see
Help me believe You
Help me believe You
Help me believe You
Help me believe You

For the same dear friend...

It's the saddest sound you'll ever hear
When the rain pours down
No sign of a clear
And you feel alone in your bitter tears
It's a sad sad sad sound

It's the strangest place you've ever been
When the lonely comes and there's no friend
It's the darkest hour your heart's know yet
It's a sad sad sad sound

You wanna run away but it's not your style
So you fight the urge inside
And the river rolls over your sweet heart
It's a sad sad sad sound

It's the deepest well you've drawn from yet
And you're screaming out what's already been said
You are taking ground in a place you've never been
It's a sad sad sad sound

You wanna run away but it's not your style
So you fight the urge inside
And the river rolls over your sweet heart
It's a sad sad sad sound

You are taking ground in a place you've never been
With your sad sad sad sound
With your sad sad sad sound
With your sad sad sad sound

-Heidi Stelzner

To a dear friend...

You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

One day you will
Oh one day you will

-Lady Antebellum

This is the last time...

This time You're gonna see one more chance is all I need
To show You that I'm trying to let you down for the last time

How many times now has it been
I swore I'd never do again what I've done right now
Seems I walk right out that door
Just to walk back in for more until you pull me out
From the lies in my mind as they all seem to say
The last time I tried was the last time I failed

But last time I didn't try hard enough to make things right
And let that evil side come back around
This time You're gonna see one more chance is all I need
To show You that I'm trying to let you down for the last time

You said You'd never put me through
Something I can't say no to if I really tried
Oh but this cycle that I'm in
Is like a carousel of sin that takes me for a ride
On these lies in my mind as they all carry on
Saying the last time I tried was the last time they won

And these seeds that I've sown grow wild
On my futile attempts to change
Like an addict going dry
I think I'm ready this time

Hey Lindsey, welcome to your life!

Have you ever wanted to sit down and write a letter to yourself from God because you feel Him speaking to you so clearly that it overwhelms you? Okay, well God and I had a talk last night and He said some stuff. I won't be writing out a letter on blogger....way too public (even though like two people read it..ha). But, just an interesting and LATE night of my feelings, desires, and fears confronting God's truth about my life and encouraging me to press on because not only Has he given me this life but He has CALLED me to it and, therefore, He has provided me with everything I need for it, even when I think He has given me too much to handle for this moment. So, having said all that, and since I'm not going to write out a letter from God (it will remain in my head), I will share some lyrics that speak to me and where I'm at.

When the weight of the world bears down so strong
You leave footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours of sleep

The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the One you reach for first

When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see straight through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile
'Cause your pockets all got holes

You wanna shut the door and hide
Before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the One you reach for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away to fight those demons
Waiting for you in your dreams

Before your arms are stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers to your why's

Fall into Me
Well, my arms are stretched wide open, you don't have to say a word
Because I already see
That it's hard and you're scared and you're tired and I know it hurts
Yes, it's hard and you're scared and you're tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the One you reach for first

Think about it...

One of my favorite quotes:

"One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit."
-Harry Frankfurt

Learning to be loved all over again...

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap is carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation."

-C.S. Lewis

Hope

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened."

-Dostoevsky